You’ve watched a couple of YouTube videos, maybe even scrolled through some Instagram real estate “gurus,” and now you’re basically a pro, right? You’re ready to dive headfirst into the exciting world of U.S. real estate investing! And who needs professional help when you’ve got… well, yourself? (And maybe that one friend who “knows a guy.”)

The Thrill of the Deal (Paperwork Edition)

Forget those boring real estate pros who drone on about “due diligence” and “legal ramifications.” You’re an action-taker!

• Legal Lingo? Pfft! You absolutely, positively know the difference between a Warranty Deed, Quitclaim, and Special Warranty. Even in your sleep, you could probably recite the legal definitions backwards. “Earnest Money? Contingencies? Meh… all the same, right?” Who cares about the nuances when you’re busy making millions?
• Signatures? Optional! You totally knew that one county demands physical witness signatures while the next is all high-tech with electronic ones. (I mean, I “knew” that too—right after my deal got rejected because I didn’t.) Details, details.
• Deadlines? For Losers! Inspections, contingencies, financing, closing… tracking all those deadlines is a breeze! What could possibly go wrong? It’s not like missing one could cost you thousands, or anything.
• Seller Disclosures? Always Honest! Every seller is an angel, always providing complete and honest disclosures. No seller ever checks “unknown” to avoid liability. Ever. Trust is key, especially when large sums of money are involved.

The Art of the (Non-Existent) Inspection

Why pay for a fancy inspection when your eyeballs and a quick Google Street View tour are practically a Ph.D. in structural engineering?

• Roof? If there’s no gaping hole visible from satellite view, it’s probably fine. Who needs to get up there and actually look?
• Foundation? The house is standing, isn’t it? What more proof do you need?
• Pests? Protein! Termites? You love extra protein. Mold? Just an artsy Instagram filter on the wall—adds character!
• Vintage Charm! A 60-year-old electrical system? That’s not a fire hazard; it’s vintage charm. Rusty pipes? Metallic-tasting water just means natural minerals. Delicious!
• Acronyms? A Children’s Book! Inspection reports full of acronyms like GFCI, TPRV, HVAC? Sounds like a children’s book. Just nod, smile, and sign.
• Permit History? Who Cares! If the remodel looks good, it’s gotta be legal. No need to check for pesky permits.
• “Foundation Settlement Observed”? That’s just the house hugging the Earth. So cute!

Survey Says… Google It!

Forget expensive surveys and zoning reports. Your phone has Google Maps, and that’s basically the same thing, right?

• Neighbor’s Fence? Community Decor! Your neighbor’s fence is on your land? Call it community decor. Sharing is caring!
• Underground Easement? Who’s digging anyway? Unless you’re planning on building a secret underground lair, you’re golden.
• HOA? Friendly Neighbors! Homeowners Associations (HOAs)? Just friendly neighbors sending out newsletters. No rules, no fines. And “No Rentals Allowed”? That’s clearly just a soft suggestion.
• Special Assessments? Pocket Change! A $20K special assessment? No big deal. That’s just pocket change when you’re about to be a real estate mogul.

Location, Location, (Who Cares About) Location!

Don’t let pesky details like crime rates or flood zones get in the way of your vision.

• Street View Never Lies! Street View from 2019 shows a great neighborhood, so who cares about current crime stats if the inside looks cute?
• Automatic Appreciation! Every house in a “growing market” equals automatic appreciation. It’s science!
• Free Entertainment! Train tracks nearby? Free nervous system training! Airport next door? Free airshows for the kids!
• School Ratings? Irrelevant! Local school rated D? The neighbor’s kids seem happy. That’s all that matters.
• Flood Zone? Green Grass! Flood zone? The grass is green, so everything’s cool. Termite hot zone? Call it “local character.”
• Hidden Gems! Mobile home park across the street cropped out of the aerial photo? If you can’t see it, it’s not there. Magic!

Negotiation: Just Say “Yes!”

Why bother with comps or pesky negotiations when you can just throw money at the problem?

• Asking Price = Final Price! The asking price is the final price. No negotiation needed. Why complicate things?
• Bidding Wars? Add 20%! Seller says they have five offers? Add 20% to the asking price, just to be safe. It’ll show how serious you are!
• Comps? Who Needs ‘Em! Who needs comps? Just pick a number that “feels right.” Your gut is your best financial advisor.
• Wire Money Last Minute! Wire money last minute—it’s more exciting under pressure!
• Contingencies? Skip ‘Em! Skip inspection contingencies—it’ll really show you’re serious.
• Repairs? DIY Someday! Repairs? You’ll get around to those DIY projects someday… maybe.

Financing: Let the Lender Surprise You!

Don’t get bogged down with boring details like interest rates and loan types.

• Interest Rates? Surprise Me! Fixed vs. variable interest rates? Let the lender surprise you! Life’s more fun with a little mystery.
• Balloon Loans? Future You! Signed a balloon loan? Future-you will figure it out. That’s what future-you is for!
• Seller Financing? After the Holidays! Seller financing with no schedule? Ask for details… after the holidays. You’re busy!
• Cross-Collateral? Sounds Cool! Cross-collateral? Sounds cool. Just sign.
• Handwritten IOU? Legal! A handwritten IOU? As long as it says “I owe you,” it’s probably legal.

Renovations & Contractors: Good Vibes Only!

Finding a contractor is all about good energy, not boring things like contracts or permits.

• Good Energy = Jackpot! Found your contractor based on “good energy” over the phone? Jackpot!
• Pay Upfront, Bro! “Pay full upfront, bro—I’ll start tomorrow” equals premium service. Duh!
• No Written Contract? Handshake! No written contract? You’re a handshake kind of person. Honor system, baby!
• Material Changes? Cheaper! Material changes? “Found something cheaper”—what a deal!
• Site Visits? Emoji Approved! No site visits needed—the contractor sent a 👍 emoji. That’s basically being there!
• Final Payment? Blurry Pic! Final payment? One blurry “after” pic is enough.
• Renovation Budget? Who Needs One! Renovation budget? Who needs one? Just wing it!
• City Permits? Eventually! City permits? “We’ll take care of it… eventually.”
• Quality Check? The Tenant Will Tell You! Quality check? If something breaks, the tenant will let you know. They’re basically your free inspection team!

Property Management: The Tenant is Your Friend!

Why bother with screening, leases, or actual management when you can just be super chill?

• Tenant Screening? First Caller! Tenant screening? First caller gets the keys. Simplicity is genius!
• Lease Agreement? Trust! Lease agreement? People are trustworthy.
• Security Deposit? Awkward! Security deposit? “Feels awkward to ask.” Don’t make things weird!
• Cash Rent? Convenient! Cash rent in an open mailbox? Convenient and affordable!
• Background Checks? Zoom Smile! Background checks? If they smiled on Zoom, they’re fine.
• Eviction? Talk Nicely! Eviction? Just talk nicely—they’ll leave.
• Renter’s Insurance? No Worries! Renter’s insurance? What could possibly go wrong?
• Leak Reported? YouTube Tutorial! Leak reported? Send them a YouTube tutorial. They’ll figure it out!
• Routine Inspections? Nah! Routine inspections? Nah, we trust them.
• Time Zone Difference? Call Anytime! Time zone difference? Just call people when you wake up—they’ll totally be available.
• Lost Keys? They’ll Wait! Lost keys? You’ll fly in a few days—they’ll wait.
• Appliance Install Access? Neighbor! Appliance install access? The neighbor can help. That’s what neighbors are for!
• Frozen Pipes? Morning Check! Frozen pipes? Check it out in the morning. A little ice never hurt anyone.

Unless you’re a real estate attorney, a licensed agent in four states, a certified home inspector, a 24/7 property manager, and a world-class negotiator who never misses a deadline…

Yeah, you probably need some help.

Let’s talk before your “passive income” becomes actively draining – just email SIMPLY-DO-IT Guided Real Estate Investing and lets set up a time speak and assist you NOT DIY but Do It Right the first time.